The Day I Had Always Dreaded. Father’s Day.

Psalm 68:5 “A father to the fatherless, and defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.”

Father’s Day,I had always dreaded this day. As a small child at school we were given time to create great gifts for our Fathers. As a teen I would hear stories of how my friends had cool Dads and ones that they knew would protect them. I even heard stories of how they were worried about what thier Dad’s would think of their boyfriends. As an adult I seen how Grandpa’s showered my friends children with wisdom, fun times, love and great stories. But that was not my life. Fathers Day was a reminder of how unlovable I was, unwanted, and in my mind it grew to unworthy. This was my fatherhood experience, unwanted by my birth father( placed for adoption at birth), unwanted by adopted father (after the marriage of my adopted parents failed he no longer was a part of my life) , and sexually abused and abandoned by the men my Mom brought into my life. I know that I am not alone in the dread of this day. For many years I would go from determined to prove that I did not need a father, to trying to win fatherly love from others. In being determined, I was actually full of anger, resentment and bitterness. This way of living resulted in me not trusting most people, not letting anyone in and not being able to receive or give love to others or even to myself. Trying to win it, resulted in me being willing to accept behaviors that are unacceptable. I felt unworthy of love so bad treatment was what I deserved in my mind.

Even after I had accepted Jesus into my life I had some baggage that I carried over to my relationship and view of Father God. So many wrong thoughts of who He was. I can actually recall thinking at one point, that it as long as I had Jesus and the Holy Spirit I was good. I did not need Father God. Secretly, I thought it makes sense that Father God would send His son to suffer, that is what Dads do they cause their children to suffer. I admit I had a hard time as a new Christian understanding that they were all one in the same.

Then I found the above scripture, “A father to the fatherless” That was me!! He knew that there would be children like me. He cared enough to write about me in the Bible. A father who loved me unconditionally, that I had an identity of being His daughter. What did that mean? I searched it out in the Bible. It meant that I had a Dad that was my protector, that favored me, that I was the apple of His eye, that He was always with me, that He would give me joy, peace, wisdom and an inheritance. But most of all it meant that I was LOVED. I was Worthy and I did nothing to deserve it. I was born His child right from my birth. I may not have known it and certainly did not feel it when I was a child, but it was the truth. All I had to do was accept that he was my Dad, and that he sent Jesus to give me access to Him.

If you are like I was dreading Father’s Day, filled with issues from the absence of, poor treatment of your earthly Father, know that you have a Father, who loves you. He can heal all of those hurts, He is not a replacement, but was your Father all along.